Beautiful Jade

“Screw you! We need to have a baby soon and it’s taking too long! I need a son to take care of us and help on the farm when he gets older! Don’t you get that? And at this rate, we’ll die before we even have a baby! You disgust me!” Jiinyi shouted at his wife as he made his way through the kitchen. 

“I’ll be back in an hour, you filthy bitch!” His work clothes remained wrinkled, black hair messy, face looking annoyed as usual when discussing this issue. 

Mei Yu kept her head down, until her husband left the kitchen and then began to cry. Head in hands, tears ran down her face, outlining her chubby cheeks. She suddenly wiped them away and was enraged with anger; they have been trying to get pregnant for a year now, one miscarriage and continuous efforts later, nothing was helping. She was frustrated like her husband, but more frustrated in the way he treated her. It is not like she wasn’t trying, in fact, she was tired of trying, tired of disappointment and even more tired in his disappointment of her. She slowly got up and walked into the bathroom. Running the faucet, she threw cold water on her face, hoping to calm down. She wiped her face dry and looked in the mirror. Her reflection looked worn out and tired, she barely recognized herself these days. 

Mei Yu quickly left the bathroom and took a look around her home. The kitchen table still had dirty dishes from breakfast, the bed needed to be made, not to mention Mei Yu needed to clean herself up too. She ran a small red comb through her long black hair, it was greasy, but still shined in the sun. Quickly making the bed, she punched her husband’s pillow as she set it down against the headboard. 

“I hate you!” She yelled at the empty pillow, stained with sweat from the man she used to love. 

Mei Yu then took her own pillow and shoved it up under her dress, making her belly look swollen. She dreamed of becoming pregnant, but had a lot of bad luck. Walking to the kitchen, pillow still up her dress, she picked up a kitchen chair and walked it into the bathroom. Standing on top of the chair she could see her belly in the mirror. She rubbed it, as if a baby was actually inside. Not being able to see the big gaping smile on her face, for her head was cut out of view, she felt happy as she pretended. 

Suddenly she heard the door push open, she lost track of time. Jinyii said he wouldn’t be long and nothing was cleaned, the bed wasn’t even finished. Mei Yu leaped off the chair, ripped the pillow out from under her dress, raced the chair back to the kitchen and stood next to the un-cleared table. 

“What the fuck is going on here? I leave for not even an hour and you’re standing on chairs?” he shouted.

Mei Yu stuttered, “Ji.. Jinyii. I was just cleaning the top of the mirror.”

“You’re a liar. Lying bitch! I found work in town all day and when I get back I expect this house to be spotless! And you better be on the bed waiting for me! I still need a son!” He finished by sternly walking up to his wife and smacking her across the face. It was a hard hit that sent her falling to the floor. She held her right cheek in pain and cried while kneeling on the floor as Jiinyi rolled his eyes and left. 

A young, poor farming couple, living in a small town inside of the Jiangxi province of China, Jiinyi and Mei Yu did not have the money to go to special doctors and seek help to know if she was infertile or if he was as well, so they did what they knew. And obviously, not the way they did it, how many times they did, nor old remedies helped; she always peed on the stick and it almost always had one line instead of two. 

Having sex with her husband was not love any more for Mei Yu; it was more of a task that she had to get through. She wanted a child, sure, but she wanted one out of love, not just by getting fucked by her husband every chance he got. The second he was free, he would storm in and shout for her in the bedroom. Instead of being romantic, or having it be a spur of the moment kind of thing like it used to be. He would already have his pants off, waiting for her to pull hers down as well. 

“Lay down already!” he would shout and she would position herself on the bed, then immediately close her eyes to imagine herself somewhere else as he pressed his body on top of hers. It wasn’t love any more, wasn’t fun anymore, wasn’t anything to Mei Yu. She thought it felt more like a job.

She thought about why she endured his thrusts after the way he treated her, she thought to herself, “A baby and a family would be worth it, wouldn’t it?” 

Jiinyi would hit Mei Yu’s face repeatedly while he was inside her. She would then begin to cry and whither in pain. She wanted to shout, for she felt that his treatment of her could be considered rape, or abusive to say the least, but she gave him consent the moment she lay down and let him in. After he would finish he left her to cry, sometimes nose bleeding, and would take a shower. Mei Yu would try to clean herself up the best she could, and then make the bed. 

Mei Yu and Jiinyi were in love when they got married at just eighteen, and immediately began to try and make a baby. Negative pregnancy test after pregnancy test, her husbands’ gentle side turned dark with hatred. He didn’t caress her like he used to, didn’t kiss her neck anymore like she liked, no more foreplay to make it interesting. He began to slap her across the face, please himself, do the deed, and leave her lying on the bed crying, without even a kiss goodbye. She felt used and abused just for her body, and she was. 

She thought about leaving him but had nowhere to go, for her parents died when she was younger and had no siblings or friends this far from the city she grew up in. She met Jiinyi as a late teen and fell for him hard and depended on him. She felt stuck with him now and did not have enough confidence to go out on her own. So Mei Yu stayed with the man she used to love, the man who turned into a monster.

It is in Chinese culture that the couples want their first born to be a boy, for he will grow up, then soon get married and move out. But the best part was that he would take his parents with him and take care of them in their old age. It is imperative that Jiinyi and Mei Yu have a boy, for the boy will carry the family name, and hopefully the father will have a son, and his son have a son and so on, never letting the family name perish. 

Jiinyi would always tell Mei Yu that he needed to have a boy first. He had this competitive side that always needed to be fed, mainly to beat his brother. Jiinyi was the second born of two and growing up he was always in competition with his sibling.  Jiinyi was second best when it came to academics, picking the right gifts for his parents, running races around their neighborhood, etcetera. He wanted to please his parents, but everything he did was not good enough. 

His brother got married before him and has had three girls since, supporting them by working hard, owning his own successful business. Jiinyi wanted to have a boy first, it would make his parents proud that he created an offspring that would carry the family name, so it was important to impregnate his wife with a male, but he could not even get her pregnant. As time passed he could barely even look at her, he was angry and she was hurt. 

Mei Yu was tired of trying and prayed that her first baby would be a boy. She thought that if she had a boy first, it would make her husband happier and bring the love they used to have for one another back into their relationship. The miscarriage they had three months ago was devastating for both of them, but it made Jiinyi regret asking for Mei Yu’s hand in marriage. 

A few months had passed and the crops had long since been picked and sold on their farm. It was chilly and after peeing on a stick for what felt like the millionth time, Mei Yu set it on the side of the sink, washed her hands and started dinner. The anxiousness that came with a pregnancy test left long ago. Her husband was not there to hold her hand and wait a full three minutes for the results like he used to. After a while she stopped telling him she was taking another pregnancy test because she did not want to be greeted by his open palm that harshly met her face after it came back negative. 

After peeling the last of the red potatoes, she went back to the bathroom and saw two black and white lines, lying parallel to one another. She held her breath and did a double take, for she could not even believe it. She was excited, but nervous, because what if it was false, because it could be, or what if she had another miscarriage down the road. Mei Yu began to question if she should even tell her husband right away or wait until she knew for sure and was able to see a doctor, but she was so sick of how he had been tossing her body around, just so physically and even emotionally tired, she made up her mind. 

She ran out the door of her tiny three-room home, that was more like a shack to Mei Yu, ran straight to the village square and looked for her husband, forgetting she was carrying her pregnancy test in her hand. Jiinyi worked odd jobs during the off-season and was found unloading crabs from a truck next to the fish market. She was hesitant to interrupt his work for he was embarrassed by her these days, but she did anyway. Tapping him on the shoulder as he carried buckets of crab inside, he turned and was astonished to see her at his work. 

“Wife, what do you want?” he said under his breath in disgust.

“I… oh just look,” she said as she held the pregnancy test in front of his face. 

He immediately saw the two lines, dropped the bucket of crabs and celebrated by embracing his wife and twirling her around. He smelt of crab, which made Mei Yu want to block her nose, but she felt the love from her husband that was missing for so long, so it was ignored. 

That night was a lot different than usual. For Mei Yu made dinner and before she started picking up the dishes her husband beat her to it. He was being his old self, helpful, caring, and gentle, living up to the meaning of his name. 

As time passed, she grew, making the regular visits to the doctors, with no complications. She was happy, he was happy, and they were happy together for the first time in a long time. Every night before bed, Jiinyi would bend down to Mei Yu’s stomach, kiss it, and tell the baby he loved him. He was positive it was a boy, because he thought boys are strong and assumed that their baby that was miscarried had to be a girl, for they are weaker. He loved that baby and showed love for his wife and felt grateful. 

Mei Yu on the other hand was excited, but extremely nervous. Her dream of becoming an amazing mother was coming true but she had other negative thoughts as well. Making it to the third trimester of her pregnancy, she started wondering how her husband would react to their new-born baby if it was a girl. She started to question if he would allow her to keep her, or try to get rid of her. She shook her head, knowing the answer. 

It is illegal in China to find out the sex of your baby, with thoughts that the parents would abort the child if it was to be a girl, also illegal. In China, many baby girls are abandoned or even drowned because they are less prized. Jiinyi had such a strong passion for a boy and would not stand it if he had a girl. Jiinyi brought the bacon home, supporting him and Mei Yu, and without a prestigious job, they were always tight on money. With that, he felt he not only wanted a boy but needed one to help on the farm and bring more income home. If they did not have a boy first they would have to try again, and every child after that would cost more, not just in clothing and food, but in taxes. 

Mei Yu was so focused on having a boy because of the One Child Policy Law in China. This law only allowed couples to have one child and then every child after that, they would be forced to pay taxes on, because of the high rate of population in China.

So Mei Yu prayed for a boy every single night, because she did not want to lose her baby girl. Although never admitting it, she knew Jiinyi would try and get rid of her, to save money, leaving her daughter-less and painfully having to start all over. Would the love still be there between the two or would he hate her because she gave him a baby girl first? This was always in the back of Mei Yu’s mind during her pregnancy and she hated it. 

Staring down at her belly one morning, Mei Yu rubbed it with her hand. She then pulled up her shirt and noticed her small stretch marks on the side of the stomach and her protruding belly button. She laughed to herself because her stomach was so huge, much bigger than she had ever imagined it could be and she loved it. 

Rubbing it she began to sing, “You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are gray..” 

She felt happier than she had in a very long time and hoped that once the baby came, her happiness would stay. Mei Yu felt close with her unborn child, and would talk to it every chance she got. She never wanted to lose the baby that was growing inside her. They were one together, but after she had her baby she wanted to stay just as close. 

Her due date quickly approached and she finally built up the courage to ask Jiinyi if he would want to keep their baby if it was a girl, even though she knew the answer. She entered their bedroom quietly where her husband was tying his brown worn down work boots. 

“H..Honey, can we talk?” she said hesitantly, moving closer to the bed.

“Of course, what is on your mind?” he answered while looking up at his wife.

She continued, “I’m due this month and was curious because we haven’t discussed it. What if we do have a…”

“Shut up!” he snapped quickly, “Shut your mouth. We’re having a boy! I know it! No girl. And if a girl, I’ll take care of that thing!” he exclaimed with an unsettling look on his face. 

“But,” she tried to get an answer out of him, but he rushed out of the room to avoid more conversation, stirring up the dirt floor of their bedroom, leaving Mei Yu coughing. She waved her hands in the air to disperse the dirt in the air and her eyes began to well with tears. 

“What do I do with a baby girl? A little Mei Yu to take care of, but he won’t have it!” she questioned out loud while holding her full stomach. 

A few weeks past and the couple kept to themselves, avoiding bringing up anything that could bring stress to their relationship. Mei Yu did her every day things, but slower, with swollen feet, more hot flashes and less energy. Her go-to food was noodles, that baby loved any type of noodle and Mei Yu started thinking she might turn into one someday.

She would waddle slowly to the kitchen, boil some wide rice noodles and then sauté them with different vegetables, all different spices, tofu and sometimes even chicken, then gobble them up. She was full and happy, which meant her baby was probably fuller and happier.  

Finally one day after Jiinyi went off to work, she began getting abdominal pains. Freaking out, Mei Yu was unsure of this feeling, and had no one at home to help. She then realized that she had started labor, and quickly, as quickly as her body would allow her, made her way next door to her neighbor who ran to the square to get Jiinyi and the village doctor. 

Lying in her bed, Mei Yu was in clear distress as sweat poured down her forehead, around her half moon shaped eyes. She began chewing ice cubes brought to her by her husband in hopes to distract her and cool her down. Finally, she was 10 centimeters dilated and ready to push. The doctor had everything he needed, along with a nurse aside him and was at the end of the bed, guiding the baby as it came out. The baby left the canal with no problem, head first, shoulders second, the rest of its body third. Mei Yu let out a loud yell as the baby landed into the doctor’s arms. 

The doctor’s eyes squinted, which indicated he was smiling under his facemask. He fondly looked at the baby, hit his back so the baby could get a good breath in and the baby roared with life. Crying, the doctor held the baby up to show Mei Yu, umbilical cord still attached. 

Mei Yu was in labor for only a few hours and on October 14, 1994 at 10:33A.M, with just a handful of pushes, and thankfully no complications, she gave birth to her first child. The baby she made naturally, birthed naturally, and would nurse naturally, cried wildly in the hands of the doctor, as the nurse cut the umbilical cord, diminishing the physical joining of mother and baby. Jiinyi glared at the baby, noticing the big piece that was missing and immediately left the room after he saw it. 

It was a girl. 

The nurse took the baby and wiped her clean before handing the new gift over to Mei Yu. Her child was perfect, with eyes still shut, she was alive with sound. Mei Yu pulled her baby close to her chest, giving her skin to skin contact, helping the baby calm  down. She had big cheeks like her mom, and beautiful black hair. Mei Yu kissed her new born baby on the forehead and sang “You are my sunshine,” which perked the baby up, making her open her eyes for the first time. Her daughter’s eyes were small, but wide, brown and gorgeous.

Mei Yu cried of joy, as she looked into the eyes of her first child, her very first daughter. She placed her pinky inside her baby’s hand, hoping she would grip it somehow and smiled. 

Before the doctor and nurse left, they informed Mei Yu on how she would be feeling and how the baby would act. Being a first time mom, Mei Yu felt clueless and asked many questions, hoping to not leave anything out before they left. 

“Just give me a call if you have nay problems or questions, I am happy to answer them and come help if needed,” the doctor said. 

Overhearing him, Jiinyi peered into the bedroom with an honest response that worried Mei Yu, “Oh that is not necessary, we’ll take care of that,” he paused, swallowing, his atoms apple bobbing inside his neck, “that girl.” 

Mei Yu cluched her daughter tighter, for she knew what he meant by, “take care of,” and told the doctor that she would call if needed. The doctor left, with the nurse following and Mei Yu stared lovingly at her sleeping daughter. 

For the next few days Mei Yu nursed her, changed her, and slept with her new baby, while her husband helped when he felt like it, which was almost never. 

Mei Yu knew she would only have little time with her daughter and tried to soak it up. She barely slept, because of having a new born in her life, but also with fear of Jiinyi taking her away in the middle of the night. After a week together, Jiinyi told her his plan to send the baby off in the river, hoping she would drown fast and rid them of their problems. Mei Yu, never saw her baby girl as a problem and was disgusted by his plan, so she made her own. 

Her daughter, just a week and a half old, got wrapped in a pink blanket, put in a basket and her and Mei Yu fled the house at four in the morning. 

Mei Yu thought to herself, “Jiinyi will think I’m feeding her on the steps outside…” 

As she tip toed outside, the air was cold and crisp, and the sky was dark. She suddenly got the chills with her daughter sleeping in the basket.  Together, the crossed the street, and headed towards the center of town. Thoughts began to race into her head and she began to pick up her pace.

“My daughter will grow up somewhere else where she is wanted, and will hopefully be loved as much as I would love her,” she whispered to herself. Mei Yu did not want her baby girl to die, she wanted a better life for her. 

She walked five miles that night, taking in every second she could with her baby girl, pausing every few moments to get a glimpse at her to make sure she was still there. Making it to the next town, she found a park where she wanted to leave her. While sitting on a bench, she took her baby girl out of the basket and held her close and began to sing, 

“You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are gray…”

The sun began to rise as she finished her favorite lullaby and her daughter cracked open her brown eyes with the light. 

“You are the best thing that has ever happened to me, but I cannot afford to keep you and I refuse to let your father take you away, so I am choosing to give you up myself. I want you to know that I love you, from the day I knew you were growing in my tummy, to this day and forever, I will always love you and think of you. Please don’t be mad that I let you go, for I am trying to be the best mom and do what is right for my daughter. This is harder than I had imagined, but I have to leave you now,” Mei Yu said while crying. 

Her beautiful smile was shaken; her lips began to quiver as tears fell from her face.  The thought of leaving her daughter killed her inside, but she needed to be brave, and although this was the hardest thing she had ever done, she did it out of love. With one last kiss on her tiny forehead, Mei Yu placed her baby girl in the basket and secured a note to the pink blanket that read,

“This is my baby girl, born October 14, 1994. Please take care of her, for she deserves better than I can provide. Her name is Yu Fen. Tell her I love her. Signed MF.” 

She touched her daughter’s cheeks one last time, as a tear rolled down her own, landing on the pink blanket that protected her baby from the cold and walked away without looking back. She could hear her baby roaring in fear as she got further down the road.

The one amazing baby she made in her stomach was abandoned in a park, on a bench, all alone. What kind of mother does that; one making a sacrifice perhaps? 

Hours went by and Mei Yu wondered if her child had been found and she began to cry while cleaning her home. Jiinyi did not bother to ask about the baby girl, for he knew she was not in his home anymore and didn’t care why and went on his with day like nothing happened. Mei Yu however was shook up at what she had done and decided to go back to the park and see if Yu Fen was still there. 

Tears in her eyes, Mei Yu started her walk to the park, finding the basket and the baby still on the bench. She stood a few yards away, peeking behind a tree. Her daughter cried in terror as strangers walked past, for this abandonment was a normal occurrence in China. Mei Yu began to cry harder and slowly turned away from her child she left, leaned against the tree she was hiding behind and let her back roughly slide down until her bottom hit the dirt. 

She wanted to go back and get her, but she knew bringing her home would cause her death, so she waited what felt like hours until someone picked Yu Fen up. An old man with light gray hair came along, looked into the basket, picked up the note, read it and took Yu Fen. What would he do with her baby, Mei Yu thought to herself, and decided to follow him. 

He walked about two miles down the road, baby finally asleep, and stopped at a building tucked well behind the trees. Mei Yu crept quietly behind the man as he made his way up the front steps. The sign on the building was half torn down and Mei Yu could only make out “Orph…” The man entered the building and shut the door quickly behind him. As Mei Yu approached the building, she could hear children playing in the back yard and decided to go in. 

The walls of this place were lined with hundreds of pictures of children, of all ages, with their names on them. To her left were benches, where a few couples were seated, mostly white, most likely American, and to her right was a fish tank filled with koi fish that were probably too big to live domestically in a tank. In front of her was a large desk, made of dark maple wood, with a sign that read, 

“Welcome to Wide Horizon’s!” and in tiny letters underneath it read, “Orphanage and Adoption Agency” 

She immediately turned around and fled the building; satisfied that her baby was taken somewhere she could find a new family. Walking back to the road, the old man ran out and shouted to her,

“Hey! You!”

Mei Yu began picking up her pace, but shockingly the old man ran up behind her and grabbed her hand. 

“Hey! You! Your baby will be okay. I promise,” He said as she ripped her hand from his grip and started running. He must have knew she was following him and assumed Mei Yu was Yu fen’s mom. 

Mei Yu decided that she would never return to that orphanage because she wanted to cut all ties with Yu Fen, but loved her so much that she couldn’t. She began running to and from the orphanage once a week, walking in, looking at the pictures on the wall. She had yet to see her Yu Fen on the wall, and assumed it was because she was not adopted or placed in a home yet. She felt happy that she still remained in the same area as her baby. 

Jiinyi continued to try and impregnate his wife gain and again, with no luck, creating an immediate dark space in his and Mei Yu’s relationship once more. He soon stopped caring for his wife anymore and started cheating on her, hoping to get some other woman knocked up with a boy. 

With her reoccurring visits to Wide Horizons, the old man noticed Mei Yu’s presence in the orphanage, for he owned it himself, and decided to befriend her. 

“Good morning. You are a regular now I see,” the old man said as he walked slowly over to Mei Yu’s side. 

“Why, I guess I am. I just like hearing the kids play and hear the babies babble, it makes me feel closer to my girl,” she said while shaking his hand. 

“I am Wei, owner of this orphanage. I remember you the day I found your girl in the park. Your daughter is napping, would you like to see her?” he asked eagerly.

Mei Yu looked down, stepping back from Wei, shaking her solemn head. It was clear she didn’t want to.

She said, “I just want to, well,” she trailed off as she turned her hear to look at a woman carrying a baby wrapped in a blanket through the lobby of the orphanage, into a room in the back. 

“That is not her, but you can see her,” Wei tried to comfort her, for he knew she felt uncomfortable. 

“No, I just want to know when she gets a home. Then I’ll feel she is safe and I will not bother you anymore,” Mei Yu answered quietly glancing at the old mans red sneakers.

“I promise I will, please do not be afraid of this place. It brings children to their forever families and giving up your girl is the best gift you could ever give her if you could not take care of her,” Wei said while moving towards her. 

Overwhelmed by the positive words Wei said, Mei Yu quickly walked towards him, embraced him, and cried. Wei consoled her but patting her back. Mei Yu felt satisfied with what had just been said, wiped her tears and left. 

And three months later, Yu Fen had been placed with a family in the United States, and the old man told Mei Yu, as she found her daughter’s photo hung high on the wall, with her name under it. 

Her heart dropped, and a single tear fell from her eye. Although showing sadness, she was grateful her daughter found a forever home and the Wei put his arm around her, to console her. 

“This, this is a good thing,” he said to Mei Yu, as they both looked at Yu Fen’s picture. Mei Yu looked up at the man and half smiled, tears still streaming from her eyes. 

Two and a half months later, Yu Fen was taken to a hotel and greeted by her adoptive mother and taken away. Mei Yu continued to visit the orphanage after Yu Fen left, only to stare at her picture on the wall. She had her eyes, and ears, and she hoped that she got her sense of humor and sassiness. She also hoped that her girl would grow up to be stronger than she was, strong enough to leave a man who abused her so, but she always prayed she would never end up like her too, in an unhappy marriage and an abusive relationship, but more than that, she wanted her girl to be successful, happy, loved and wanted. Mei Yu never felt loved or wanted anymore.

October had been approaching and Mei Yu knew Yu Fen’s first birthday was coming. She could only think about what she left behind and it killed her inside. On Yu Fen’s birthday she decided to run to the orphanage and ask the Wei for a favor. She had been thinking a lot about her girl and although she did not want to see her grow, her feelings changed, because missing her grew stronger overtime. She barged in, sweaty from her run, found her daughter’s photo, kissed her hand and pressed it against her daughter’s cheek, and whispered, 

“Happy birthday my girl.” 

Suddenly being tapped by the old man, she gave him a hug, and asked him her favor,

“It is her birthday and I was wondering, can I know where she is?”

“Well darling, it is against our policy, her adopted parents wanted a closed adoption. I cannot,” he said and she began to weep. 

Wei apologized and turned away to let Mei Yu cry to herself. 

Weeks passed and she stopped visiting the orphanage, remained infertile, and depressed. Wei was getting worried about her, and thought about what he could do. Jiinyi eventually moved out and left her to support herself. One day, while on her way to find work she got a letter with no return address on it. She was quickly suspicious and ran inside to open it. It was addressed to her, with her daughter’s adoption information on it, as well as a small copy of the photo on the orphanage wall. It was signed by no one, but she knew it had to be the old man. She was so astonished that she did not know what to do with the information that just blessed her home, so she tucked the letter away in her bedside table drawer and kept it for safe keeping. 

Able to support herself by sewing, after learning from her neighbor, she was happier than she had been in a while. After giving up Yu Fen, and having Jiinyi leave her, she felt positive that she was strong enough to find work on her own. She felt she didn’t need Jiinyi in the first place and was happy with her efforts. Years passed, and she found herself happily remarried to a man she met at a restaurant, and had two boys. She moved into a bigger house closer to the city, for her new husband was involved in an insurance agency and supported his family well. Mei Yu was able to quit working and proudly raised her boys, and was in fact pregnant with her and her new husband’s third child. 

She kept her daughter a secret from her new family, for it was a part of a past she was ashamed of, but never forgot to celebrate her birthday by visiting Wide Horizons. She would make a donation every year to the orphanage with the money she saved while sewing, helping them buy clothes, food and toys for the children, in Yu Fen’s name. She kept the letter from the old man in her bedside table drawer, even after the move, and decided to open it up one more time, on her daughter’s sixteenth birthday. 

Quietly sliding the draw open, particles of dust filled the air. She rummaged through old receipts and bills and found the letter, still tucked in its opened envelope at the bottom of the drawer.  She pulled it out, happily staring at the baby picture of the girl she gave up, and re read the information. Getting the urge to learn more about her biological daughter, she ran to her husbands office, pulled out his office laptop in hopes to locate her online. 

Mei Yu had a small lap top of her own writing, but with such tough Chinese laws regarding the internet, she needed to use one with access to Facebook and Google. Mei Yu’s husband had a friend that was extremely tech savvy and was able to hack his own lap top to access other banned websites. She then opened the silver laptop, and “Googled” her daughter’s new name, Lily Morgan and her hometown, Braintree, Massachusetts. As it searched she walked the laptop to her bed. 

Up popped a few news articles, but they remained ignored, for Lily wanted to find her Facebook. Successful, Mei Yu pressed on the link that brought her to Lily’s profile, and Mei Yu cried at the sight of her daughter all grown up. Thankfully Lily’s profile wasn’t private, so Mei Yu stalked her photos, loving how much her girl grew up to look like her. 

“Simply beautiful, like her mama” she smiled and chuckled to herself. 

Finally backing out of her albums, she scrolled down Lily’s homepage, reading posts on her wall. She began to be extremely confused, for they all were sad posts from all different people, mentioning how she was such an amazing friend and person and gone too soon. 

Mei Yu began to sweat, her heart racing as she kept scrolling down, reading more and more upsetting comments. Finally she backed out of Lily’s Facebook, and went back to her Google search to find a news article about her daughter. 

Lily committed suicide, taking her life in the bathtub of her family home. Her mother committed suicide as well. Mei Yu covered her mouth with one hand, and began crying.

Her excitement to find her daughter became ruined by the news article. Her only daughter in this world was gone, just like Jiinyi wanted in the first place. Her chances of ever reuniting with her, singing her favorite lullaby to her and telling her why she gave her up in the first place was gone. She wanted a better life for her girl and her girl did not even get one. 

Mei Yu was disgusted and felt she was to blame, for if she had not given her up, maybe she would have left this world fast and easy, instead of building up sixteen years of hatred, so much so that she was willing to take her own life. 

She quickly deleted her history on her husband’s laptop searches, put away her letter and sat on her bed. Her head began to spin, her breathing getting heavy. 

“How could this have happened to my girl?” she said to herself. 

Tears began to form, as she mourned the loss of the daughter that she never got the chance to mother. She rubbed her stomach that held her new baby, due in May, and began to sing, 

“You are my sunshine, you are my sunshine…”

Crying, tears hit her stomach. 

She remembered leaving Yu Fen on the park bench and singing the same exact song and remembered her life motto, “Everything happens for a reason.” She knew it was cliché, but it helped her get through the toughest times. 

Over the course of a few weeks, she became a darker person, not wanting to get up out of bed, crying more and wishing Yu Fen had lived a better life like she hoped. Her husband was confused at her sadness and tried to cheer her up at all costs.

Grieving, while keeping her first child’s death a secret, she found comfort in meditating with strong incents that cleansed her mind. One day before starting meditation her husband came into their bedroom and was worried because he heard her crying, he laid next to her and embraced her in his arms and said,

“You know, I hope this ones a girl.”

She smiled and kissed him, feeling a litter lighter than usual. She hoped this would be the turning point of her sadness. 

Their two sons rushed in and leaped onto the bed. Smiling, they both pressed their eight and ten year old hands against their mother’s tummy. The oldest smiled at his parents and responded, 

“I would love a baby sister!”

As the youngest son chimed in,

“Me too! Two boys first and one girl after.”

They all smiled at one another.

She admired her two young boys and as she held her husbands’ hand she felt like she had everything she needed. Although her first child was gone, she did what she had to, to help her live a longer and better life. Cut short, she felt like she did the right thing and felt like she couldn’t dwell on something that had occurred with no way she could help. Sad inside, the darkness began to brighten up. 

“I love you two!” Mei Yu exclaimed while rubbing her sons heads, messing up their black hair and continued, 

“Maybe a girl next? That would be fun! I mean, third times the charm.”